Dealing with past trauma and opening up.

Overcoming anything can become a struggle. We all fight battles , some of the hardest ones are alone. As women especially, we don’t have time to break down,we can’t afford to crumble, we have too much responsibility and people that rely on us to be strong. I think those of us that hide our emotions and feelings struggle the most. We’re too afraid to let our guard down and show the world what’s really going on inside. I used to be very closed off. Unless you were extremely close to me and someone I could trust would I ever reveal an anxiety or a depression I was experiencing. That all changed 2 years ago when I decided to give my story away. It wasn’t because I wanted attention or pity. It was because I was hoping it might help someone else not feel so alone. If my story could help just one person not feel ashamed? It was all worth it to me. I still struggle with demons alone that no one knows about because I’m not ready to share them but when I am ready, it’s with the intention of helping others and in the process, helping myself.

Since I started being so open and honest about my own past and present struggles, it’s helped me to move on from them. I’ve been able to put them on the shelf and not carry them around with me everywhere.

I think mostly people have this fear of appearing weak or being judged. I know I did. However, my desire to connect with others dealing with the same issues as me was much stronger and quite frankly, people are going to judge you regardless of your past. You can have the perfect life and others will still find something to hate or judge you for.
You can’t worry about everyone else. If someone is going to judge you or hate on you , let them. It’s not our job to make others respect or love us. We can only be the best version of ourselves that we can. Sometimes , it will never be enough for some. Once I stopped caring so much about being judged, my life became much easier. When you live with secrets it can cause your mind, body and soul to breakdown, you’re in this constant stressful state and that’s not good. It effects your health mostly. Stress is the number one killer. People don’t realize how horrible our bodies respond to stress.

There is something I never opened up about because I honestly thought it wasn’t that big of a deal but it was. When I was 5 or 6? I remember my mother dropped me off at the neighbor’s house because she had to go to work and my father was not home. I remember their was a bunch of men in the living room drinking beer and smoking. I can still smell the beer and the cigarettes, it’s like it never goes away. When I walked in, I remember these men all touching me, pinching me, and it made me feel so scared. I was petrified, really. I don’t remember much after that but I will never forget that moment and that feeling. It was a feeling of dread and despair. Even though they were all smiling and laughing. The room was dark and evil. I never told my mom or anyone for that matter about this incident, to this day. This is the first time I’m writing about it. I think it’s important to let these emotions out in a positive way. Releasing it actually makes me feel better. It doesn’t make the memory disappear but it helps to put it someone.

Don’t be afraid to talk about your problems , write them down, deal with them in a positive way instead of trying to mask them with substances or risky behaviors. When we’re weak , we find our strength. Our trials make us the person we’re today. Don’t live with regret and shame. Your past is just that, the past. It can’t be changed or alter so all we can do is learn from it, try not to repeat it, gain strength and move on.

Nobody’s problems are worse or better than the next person. We all struggle, just in different ways. For me, finding something that is all mine, something I can control, something healthy that is just for me has helped me become a strong woman. Being able to help others do the same has been empowering. It’s given me a sense of purpose and drive. A reason to get up everyday and fight for myself and others. I’m not perfect, at all. I still have days where I really struggle to get out of bed. However, I refuse to accept defeat from myself. I refuse to just lay down and die. I’m here for a reason as are all of you. Once you find that reason, you’ll fight even harder.

I think that’s why I’m so passionate about what I do and my business. It literally saved my life, that’s not an exaggeration either. I was on a downward slope and it wasn’t till i had that first person email me saying “thank you so much, because of you I’m me again, you’re an angel” (I still have this message saved ) that I knew , I found my purpose and I stopped feeling sorry myself and I made changes!

Please know I am always just a click, text or a message away. you’re not alone and great things are waiting for you! Sometimes, you just need to take a chance. ❤️❤️

Thank you for reading!

http://www.healthforfertility.com/

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Addictions.

Addiction takes many forms. I think it’s safe to say most of us have or are addicted to something. It can be substances, shopping, coffee, exercise, the Internet and even people.
When you become so obsessed with having something or doing something that you don’t think of the consequences? That’s addiction. The argument of it’s a disease versus something we can control has been going on for many, many years. I’ve personally seen the effects of what addiction can do to someone’s life and it’s devastating. My father is a crack head and I didn’t speak to him for over 15 years because of his addiction. I blamed him for ruining our family, for us being on welfare, for us living in a basement because we had nowhere else to go , for stealing my older sisters money, for taking my brothers Nintendo and selling it for a hit. I hated him for it. I refused to accept that he couldn’t just stop. I thought he didn’t love me enough to quit.

I’ve changed my views on Addiction and control. As I grew up and had to battle my own demons from eating disorders and addictions- I get it. I understand it now. I now know that a person that is really addicted to something, can’t just stop. Your brain thinks it needs whatever it is you’re addicted to in order to survive. Your brain doesn’t even allow you to think of the consequences in a rational way.
You’re no longer yourself. You’re someone you barely even recognize. You go from being an honest, selfless, loving person to a liar, thief, cheat and selfish. Your only concern is fulfilling that need. It becomes your life, your best friend and your “only one” that matters.

People might argue that some can “just quit” and never do or touch whatever they were addicted to again, they must have better self control or they must have really wanted to quit. I honestly think people that can just quit without any relapses weren’t really addicted to begin with. They might have been dependent? It might have been a habit? Quitting a full blown addiction on the first try and never looking back? That’s nearly impossible. Just from experience. Addictions run in my family and I think many of these addictions co-exist with depression and anxiety. Many times, it’s the trigger for the addiction. Who wouldn’t want to keep doing something that makes them feel better? Feel happier? Even if it’s temporary. It could be binging on junk food , maxing out a credit card or snorting a line.

See, at first the addiction brings you “joy” it fulfills a void in your life that you’ve been yearning for. It relieves your anxiety and your depression, you feel like you can do anything! Then it turns on you. It robs you of YOU. It robs you of your friends and family, it takes your dignity away and turns you into this person you start to despise. Nobody sets out to become an addict. Addiction isn’t a moral issue, it sees no color, no social status. It doesn’t care if you had a good childhood or a bad one, it can afflict anyone.

Many people become accidental addicts via their local doctor. How many of you went to your local dr for pain? I bet you were handed a script for some narcotics and if you take these medicines while you’re extremely stressed out, depressed or full of anxiety, you might end up liking the feeling a little too much. You might love that these pills take your emotional pain away as well as your physical. It’s something to be mindful of the next time you’re handed these pills. I am not saying you shouldn’t take pain medicine if you really need it but be careful , because it can quickly turn into something you DON’T want.

How can we stop the cycle of addiction? I think first and for most, we need to take care of ourselves more. A person who is fueling their body properly with fruits, vegetables, healthy protien, healthy fats, water etc. , exercising , meditating , yoga and learning how to manage stress better- will be less likely to become addicted to anything. This person is in-sync , mind body and soul. Compared to a highly stressed individual who doesn’t workout, eats processed food regularly, smokes and drinks cans of soda. That person would probably be more susceptible.

I’ve conquered MOST of my addictions. I’ve learned to live life on life’s terms. It’s not always going to be “good” and I’ll have some bad days. That’s life and it’s normal. Without the bad we wouldn’t appreciate the good. When life throws me a curveball , I go workout, I meditate, I turn off the Internet and go outside, I call a friend , I take a moment to just breath.
Since I started Piyo, I’ve really learned to appreciate life and what I’ve been blessed with.
I feel alive after each workout and renewed. It gives me a great feeling of purpose and strength.

Are you currently struggling with an addiction? Let’s chat.

Love your body!

Love your body! I happened to be scrolling in my newsfeed yesterday when a beautiful picture opened on my feed. It was a plus size model named Tess. I didn’t realize I was even following her (you know how fb doesn’t show you the pages you like anymore unless you comment constantly) so anyway.. She was in lingerie and on a bed with another plus size model who was also beautiful. I clicked on the “like” button and went to write a comment. Wow. The nasty, mean , pathetic, rude and ignorant comments from people were disgusting! I’m used to seeing nasty people online, it comes with the territory of having an active like page. I’ve acquired a Very thick skin the past couple years just because I realize these people do not know me. They only know what I reveal to them , and you really don’t “know” someone till you see their actions, not just their words.

The comments (just to name a few) were “you’re a nasty fat ass, put some clothes on!” “Lose weight fatty” “ewwww” “do you realize how u healthy you are? Your heart is going to explode” “get off the couch and run” etc etc. you get the point. I don’t want to write anymore of these nasty comments and give these disgusting humans the satisfaction. As a female that has battled eating disorders since the age of 8 and has blacked out due to dehydration and lack of nutrients, I was appalled. Women have a hard enough time accepting themselves in this world filled with stick thin models that grace tv, magazines and runways. We carry around these insecurities about ourselves that put our life in danger. Starving ourselves to fit into a size 4, binging and purging , over exercising, over eating just to fit into society’s ideal of beauty. Quite frankly, I’m sick of it! I was actually so happy to see this body confident and beautiful woman embrace her body, love her body, show off her body that it made me smile…till I read those comments.

We need more confident and secure women like her in today’s world. We need women that just love their body and appreciate all it can do. I am not condoning laziness or people that don’t move their bodies the way they were meant to be moved. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for loving your body, feeding it well,moving it and fueling it properly. A healthy body = a healthy mind and a healthy soul which means happiness. If we don’t eat properly it effects everything! Certain foods even cause depression, anxiety and an array of health problems over time. If you read my blog on diet coke, you’ll see all the health problems aspartame caused for me. It’s quite scary, actually.

With that being said, calling someone names or telling them how they should live their life isn’t helping anybody. If you’re happy when you wake up in the morning and you look in the mirror and smile? Who are we to tell anyone to live differently? Last I checked this was a free country.

Could you imagine what us women could accomplish if we accepted our bodies just as they are? If we removed that little voice that tells us “you’re fat, lose weight” “you’re ugly!” “You’re not enough!” Imagine how different young women and teens would be if the girls gracing magazine covers were all different shapes and sizes? What if society accepted happiness as beauty and confidence and acceptance? If our mothers weren’t always on a diet growing up and telling us how fat they are. If our mothers told us how beauty is not in what you look like but how you make others feel about themselves, that is beauty to me.

What does beauty mean to you?

 

 

Infertility and setting myself straight.

If you’ve read my story than you already know my struggle with trying to conceive. I have been trying for over 5 years today. Yesterday was my husband and I’s 5 year wedding anniversary and when I went looking for cards most of them said “Thank you for being a wonderful husband and father” normally I don’t let things like that get to me, but it did. I am human and no matter what I tell myself, I think i will always yearn for a child of my own. I spent many sleepless nights wondering if I will grow old a spinster with a bunch of cats around me licking my toes. The past year though I have accepted the fact that I will never have a child of my own and I was “ok” with it. I turned all my energy and focus into my business and into my body. I have worked on my own personal development , my connections with the important people in my life, I have  made amends where it was needed and I even reconnected with my father after 15 years.

Some people would say “Jaime, you’ve got it made! You work from home, you’re a stay at home dog mom!” Yes I know how blessed I am and I have a ton of gratitude for the life I live. I really do. I still will always have that little voice in the back of my head wondering when someone is going to call me Mom. I will never understand or experience that unconditional love a Mother has for her child. These are things you can’t buy with money, they’re precious moments that some of us will never experience. As much as I would like you to believe I am “over it” I never will be. I have moved on though. I have set my sights on other aspects of my life. I joke around allot! What’s that saying ? The clown always sheds the most tears, in private? Something like that. It makes me happy to be able to make others laugh, I really hold on to that sometimes. When I see someone else smile because of me, I feel a sense of purpose in my life.

Today I am a strong, proud, independent and persistent woman who loves with everything shes got! If you knew me 2 years ago? You would wonder what happened? I was a VERY negative and depressed person. I always saw the glass as half empty and unfulfilled. I was overweight, tired and working a job I really hated. Like so many of you, it was a struggle to get up everyday and do the same thing over and over. I found absolutely no happiness in life. I honestly credit my business family for pulling me out of the trenches and into a positive environment. When you’re surrounded by positive and energetic people , it rubs off on you! Happiness is contagious the same way negativity is contagious. I got rid of the soul sucking vampires in my life, I got rid of the people that were just using me for their benefit and started getting a back bone! I really think being your own boss gives you this confidence that anything is possible. That with some hard work and dedication you can achieve anything.

I have wanted to quit so many times, trust me. I blamed everyone around for my failures. Once I realized it was only ME that could get me to my goals, everything changed for the better. I stopped blaming and started doing. I put my own insecurities aside, my own bitterness that I was carrying around and let it all go! I said you know what? I am done with the blame game, if things need to change I am the only one that can make that happen. That’s what i did! I am now a free woman who lives life on her own terms. I am a stronger person for everything that has happened to me, I am a survivor not a victim. Once you start to believe in yourself, anything is possible.

What changes can you make today that will help you achieve your goals?

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Mothers day and Infertility.

Mother’s Day is tomorrow and for me its bittersweet. It’s sweet because I love my mother and as I’ve gotten older learned to really appreciate all she has done. She had to be the mom and dad at times and struggled to put food on the table whenever my dear dad decided to feed his cocaine addiction with the rent money. I remember the times we were on welfare and our Christmas was provided by the local church, friends and family. The constant fighting she had to endure , the endless worry and struggle. She had 4 kids to support. At the time, I blamed her for everything that was wrong with my youth. The fact that I had to work since age 13 if I wanted a new pair of pants or if I wanted a snack while walking the mall with my friends. I was clueless to what she had to go through for us. It wasn’t until I was in my 20′s and out in the real world that I then recognized her sacrifices and efforts for us. One thing that I learned from my youth is to be independent, to never put all your eggs in one basket. To never give anyone else total power or control over you. To be self-sufficient and to have pride.  I thank her for her unconditional love and her kind nature. I thank her for always telling us to see the good in others, that making  fun of people was cruel.  It was especially difficult for her to be married to a man who made fun of people including his own children. On this day and everyday, I love you mom <3

Now for the bitter part. All of my life I’ve always been so careful with men, making sure we used protection and even when I was in long, serious relationships we always took precautions. I wasn’t ready to be a mother and I tried my best to prevent pregnancy. It wasn’t until I met my husband that I really and truly wanted a baby, to become a mommy. That was over 4 years ago. Since then I’ve had countless tests done, ultrasounds, Pap smears,  laparoscopic surgery, a dye inserted into my Fallopian tubes to make sure they were open, femara, ovidrel, intercourse timing , ovulation test strips, tempting, tons of vitamins, fertility massages, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, standing on my head and a bunch of negative tests. Yet, here we are still not pregnant.

I might sound bitter to some of you and maybe I am? Maybe I’m sick of seeing Sally who is addicted to crack pregnant for the 4 th time with a child that will end up in the foster care system, then jail. What was the purpose of that? I try my best to remain optimistic about this and everything else thrown my way because I know people have it much worse. I know that people right now are fighting to live. I know some of you may think to yourself “is being infertile really that bad?” Maybe not. To me, it’s devastating. Every time I see another pregnancy announcement, I die a little more inside. I’m happy for them but sad for me. My dream of having a big family will never happen at my age, I accept that. What I can’t accept is never having the chance to hold my baby in my arms and feel that overwhelming sense of unconditional love. To never be able to breastfeed or create a life.

I’m not perfect and I sure as heck will not be a perfect mom. What I will be is nurturing and loving. I’ll do my best and if that’s not good enough, I’ll try harder. I keep pretty quiet about infertility because if you’ve never felt what this feels like, you’ll never get it. I Know people mean well but mostly they’re hurting me more than helping me.  So, tomorrow I want all my wonderful mommy friends to hug your babies extra tight for me.  To all my TTC friends who are still struggling, our day WILL come because without hope, what do we have? Hope is what keeps me going on this long, hurtful journey. I can work out all day, get in the best shape of my life, wear a tiny bikini but none of that means much when the one thing your heart aches for is unreachable.

Happy Mother’s Day to everyone that has nurtured and loved another because that’s what being a mom is all about, love.

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