If you’ve read my story than you already know my struggle with trying to conceive. I have been trying for over 5 years today. Yesterday was my husband and I’s 5 year wedding anniversary and when I went looking for cards most of them said “Thank you for being a wonderful husband and father” normally I don’t let things like that get to me, but it did. I am human and no matter what I tell myself, I think i will always yearn for a child of my own. I spent many sleepless nights wondering if I will grow old a spinster with a bunch of cats around me licking my toes. The past year though I have accepted the fact that I will never have a child of my own and I was “ok” with it. I turned all my energy and focus into my business and into my body. I have worked on my own personal development , my connections with the important people in my life, I have made amends where it was needed and I even reconnected with my father after 15 years.
Some people would say “Jaime, you’ve got it made! You work from home, you’re a stay at home dog mom!” Yes I know how blessed I am and I have a ton of gratitude for the life I live. I really do. I still will always have that little voice in the back of my head wondering when someone is going to call me Mom. I will never understand or experience that unconditional love a Mother has for her child. These are things you can’t buy with money, they’re precious moments that some of us will never experience. As much as I would like you to believe I am “over it” I never will be. I have moved on though. I have set my sights on other aspects of my life. I joke around allot! What’s that saying ? The clown always sheds the most tears, in private? Something like that. It makes me happy to be able to make others laugh, I really hold on to that sometimes. When I see someone else smile because of me, I feel a sense of purpose in my life.
Today I am a strong, proud, independent and persistent woman who loves with everything shes got! If you knew me 2 years ago? You would wonder what happened? I was a VERY negative and depressed person. I always saw the glass as half empty and unfulfilled. I was overweight, tired and working a job I really hated. Like so many of you, it was a struggle to get up everyday and do the same thing over and over. I found absolutely no happiness in life. I honestly credit my business family for pulling me out of the trenches and into a positive environment. When you’re surrounded by positive and energetic people , it rubs off on you! Happiness is contagious the same way negativity is contagious. I got rid of the soul sucking vampires in my life, I got rid of the people that were just using me for their benefit and started getting a back bone! I really think being your own boss gives you this confidence that anything is possible. That with some hard work and dedication you can achieve anything.
I have wanted to quit so many times, trust me. I blamed everyone around for my failures. Once I realized it was only ME that could get me to my goals, everything changed for the better. I stopped blaming and started doing. I put my own insecurities aside, my own bitterness that I was carrying around and let it all go! I said you know what? I am done with the blame game, if things need to change I am the only one that can make that happen. That’s what i did! I am now a free woman who lives life on her own terms. I am a stronger person for everything that has happened to me, I am a survivor not a victim. Once you start to believe in yourself, anything is possible.
What changes can you make today that will help you achieve your goals?
Mother’s Day is tomorrow and for me its bittersweet. It’s sweet because I love my mother and as I’ve gotten older learned to really appreciate all she has done. She had to be the mom and dad at times and struggled to put food on the table whenever my dear dad decided to feed his cocaine addiction with the rent money. I remember the times we were on welfare and our Christmas was provided by the local church, friends and family. The constant fighting she had to endure , the endless worry and struggle. She had 4 kids to support. At the time, I blamed her for everything that was wrong with my youth. The fact that I had to work since age 13 if I wanted a new pair of pants or if I wanted a snack while walking the mall with my friends. I was clueless to what she had to go through for us. It wasn’t until I was in my 20’s and out in the real world that I then recognized her sacrifices and efforts for us. One thing that I learned from my youth is to be independent, to never put all your eggs in one basket. To never give anyone else total power or control over you. To be self-sufficient and to have pride. I thank her for her unconditional love and her kind nature. I thank her for always telling us to see the good in others, that making fun of people was cruel. It was especially difficult for her to be married to a man who made fun of people including his own children. On this day and everyday, I love you mom <3
Now for the bitter part. All of my life I’ve always been so careful with men, making sure we used protection and even when I was in long, serious relationships we always took precautions. I wasn’t ready to be a mother and I tried my best to prevent pregnancy. It wasn’t until I met my husband that I really and truly wanted a baby, to become a mommy. That was over 4 years ago. Since then I’ve had countless tests done, ultrasounds, Pap smears, laparoscopic surgery, a dye inserted into my Fallopian tubes to make sure they were open, femara, ovidrel, intercourse timing , ovulation test strips, tempting, tons of vitamins, fertility massages, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, standing on my head and a bunch of negative tests. Yet, here we are still not pregnant.
I might sound bitter to some of you and maybe I am? Maybe I’m sick of seeing Sally who is addicted to crack pregnant for the 4 th time with a child that will end up in the foster care system, then jail. What was the purpose of that? I try my best to remain optimistic about this and everything else thrown my way because I know people have it much worse. I know that people right now are fighting to live. I know some of you may think to yourself “is being infertile really that bad?” Maybe not. To me, it’s devastating. Every time I see another pregnancy announcement, I die a little more inside. I’m happy for them but sad for me. My dream of having a big family will never happen at my age, I accept that. What I can’t accept is never having the chance to hold my baby in my arms and feel that overwhelming sense of unconditional love. To never be able to breastfeed or create a life.
I’m not perfect and I sure as heck will not be a perfect mom. What I will be is nurturing and loving. I’ll do my best and if that’s not good enough, I’ll try harder. I keep pretty quiet about infertility because if you’ve never felt what this feels like, you’ll never get it. I Know people mean well but mostly they’re hurting me more than helping me. So, tomorrow I want all my wonderful mommy friends to hug your babies extra tight for me. To all my TTC friends who are still struggling, our day WILL come because without hope, what do we have? Hope is what keeps me going on this long, hurtful journey. I can work out all day, get in the best shape of my life, wear a tiny bikini but none of that means much when the one thing your heart aches for is unreachable.
Happy Mother’s Day to everyone that has nurtured and loved another because that’s what being a mom is all about, love.
My last challenge was such a huge success that I want to start a new challenge for anyone who missed April! My new challenge will begin May 1!
What is a Challenge pack and what is included?
- An entire workout series of your choice (Insanity, Turbofire, Les Mills combat, P90X, Slim in 6, Les Mills Pump, Body Beast, 10 Min Trainer, Turbo Jam & Hip Hop Abs)
- A full months supply of the healthiest meal of the day Shakeology (Chocolate, Tropical or Greenberry)
- A FREE 30 DAY Team Beachbody membership with a customized menu
- A chance to win $500, $1,000 or more just by logging your workouts and submitting a before & after photo to Beachbody
- You’ll be in my private challenge group with other coaches for support and unlimited motivation and accountability.
- Recipe guide and sharing
I cannot rave enough about all of these products however we’re all different and have specific goals so I would love to chat with you first so we can get you the challenge pack that works best for you!
I personally am in love with Les Mills Combat! Burn up to 1,000 calories per hour.
You’ll be doing Karate/Kung Fu, Capoeira, Jiu Jitsu, Muay Thai/Kickboxing, Tae Kwon Do and Boxing—all in a single workout—and burning up to 1,000 calories per hour! BUY here: http://www.beachbodycoach.com/stillfromny
You can also get the $40 coach sign up fee waived when you order a challenge pack and help inspire others to do the same! You also get 30% off ALL beachbody products when you become a coach so its worth it even if you’re not ready to work as coach, yet. Coach sign up:
I like to make sure I can give my time fairly to all my challengers so I can only take on 10 challengers at this time! If you want to be ONE of them and change your life for the better, please contact me! You can message me here or email at firstname.lastname@example.org
Summer is 61 days away DONT hide this summer. I have been there and it’s not fun.
When you think of addiction, you think drugs, nicotine, alcohol but no one really stops to think (Soda) and it IS an addition. It’s quite possibly worse than drugs because it’s everywhere. They even make it look oh so appealing in their big business advertising. However, what I didn’t know when I was drinking that much soda daily was that I was literally poisoning myself.
About 4 years ago I had started drinking diet coke on a regular basis. It gradually turned into 5-7 cans daily. At that point in my life I had an array of weird symptoms, some of them very scary. I had numbness in my arms, legs, random numbness in my back, severe head pain, seeing black spots in my vision, ultra fatigued, restless leg syndrome, anxiety with panick attacks, depression and massive amounts of pain all over my body. I really thought I had the beginning stages of MS. I even had a friend who did have MS tell me she thought I had it too.
This began a long and expensive journey to find out what was wrong with me. I just wanted to feel better. I went to a Neurologist who told me I had anxiety and handed me 2 scripts for xanax. He did schedule a MRI, probably just to appease me and get money from my insurance. I had an MRI of my head and back. Both were totally clear. Ok, so I moved on to a general Dr. After explaining my symptoms, I was again diagnosed with anxiety and depression and given a bunch of meds which I never did start taking. I then went to a psychiatrist because maybe it was anxiety and depression? I sat down and after she checked off a bunch of boxes she diagnosed me as borderline personality disorder and I was again given an array of meds. I never took the meds or went back to her.
I finally went to see a accupunturist/massage therapist for my pain and my fertility. I explained what was going on with me and how I was feeling. She immediately said “What are you eating and drinking, don’t leave anything out” I wrote down my daily food intake and included the diet coke. As soon as she saw that she pointed to it and said “There is your problem, did you know aspartame is poison and you’re poisoned right now!” Really??? I mean, I never knew this. I was so naive when it came to nutrition. I thought if they could sell it to you, it can’t kill you. Ha, how wrong I was.
It was really hard giving up my diet coke. It was a clutch when I was feeling sad or when I wanted something sweet I would drink a diet coke instead. I just weaned myself down and as I started feeling better, it gave me even more fuel to quit all together. I have been aspartame free now for over a year and all my symptoms just started to fade away.
I wish I would have figured this out sooner it would have saved me tons of money in medical bills, time and my health.
Maybe this blog will help someone out there who was feeling like I was quit the diet soda addiction.
Water is now my friend. Water quenches my thirst. Water makes me feel more energetic and alive.
Goodbye poison, hello natural , ice-cold water :)