Mother’s Day is tomorrow and for me its bittersweet. It’s sweet because I love my mother and as I’ve gotten older learned to really appreciate all she has done. She had to be the mom and dad at times and struggled to put food on the table whenever my dear dad decided to feed his cocaine addiction with the rent money. I remember the times we were on welfare and our Christmas was provided by the local church, friends and family. The constant fighting she had to endure , the endless worry and struggle. She had 4 kids to support. At the time, I blamed her for everything that was wrong with my youth. The fact that I had to work since age 13 if I wanted a new pair of pants or if I wanted a snack while walking the mall with my friends. I was clueless to what she had to go through for us. It wasn’t until I was in my 20′s and out in the real world that I then recognized her sacrifices and efforts for us. One thing that I learned from my youth is to be independent, to never put all your eggs in one basket. To never give anyone else total power or control over you. To be self-sufficient and to have pride. I thank her for her unconditional love and her kind nature. I thank her for always telling us to see the good in others, that making fun of people was cruel. It was especially difficult for her to be married to a man who made fun of people including his own children. On this day and everyday, I love you mom <3
Now for the bitter part. All of my life I’ve always been so careful with men, making sure we used protection and even when I was in long, serious relationships we always took precautions. I wasn’t ready to be a mother and I tried my best to prevent pregnancy. It wasn’t until I met my husband that I really and truly wanted a baby, to become a mommy. That was over 4 years ago. Since then I’ve had countless tests done, ultrasounds, Pap smears, laparoscopic surgery, a dye inserted into my Fallopian tubes to make sure they were open, femara, ovidrel, intercourse timing , ovulation test strips, tempting, tons of vitamins, fertility massages, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, standing on my head and a bunch of negative tests. Yet, here we are still not pregnant.
I might sound bitter to some of you and maybe I am? Maybe I’m sick of seeing Sally who is addicted to crack pregnant for the 4 th time with a child that will end up in the foster care system, then jail. What was the purpose of that? I try my best to remain optimistic about this and everything else thrown my way because I know people have it much worse. I know that people right now are fighting to live. I know some of you may think to yourself “is being infertile really that bad?” Maybe not. To me, it’s devastating. Every time I see another pregnancy announcement, I die a little more inside. I’m happy for them but sad for me. My dream of having a big family will never happen at my age, I accept that. What I can’t accept is never having the chance to hold my baby in my arms and feel that overwhelming sense of unconditional love. To never be able to breastfeed or create a life.
I’m not perfect and I sure as heck will not be a perfect mom. What I will be is nurturing and loving. I’ll do my best and if that’s not good enough, I’ll try harder. I keep pretty quiet about infertility because if you’ve never felt what this feels like, you’ll never get it. I Know people mean well but mostly they’re hurting me more than helping me. So, tomorrow I want all my wonderful mommy friends to hug your babies extra tight for me. To all my TTC friends who are still struggling, our day WILL come because without hope, what do we have? Hope is what keeps me going on this long, hurtful journey. I can work out all day, get in the best shape of my life, wear a tiny bikini but none of that means much when the one thing your heart aches for is unreachable.
Happy Mother’s Day to everyone that has nurtured and loved another because that’s what being a mom is all about, love.